What follows is a transcript of the President’s planned remarks for the 2017 Presidents’ Day celebrations. I am merely the messenger; the “facts” are all the President’s …

Welcome everyone. Thanks for coming.

We had an amazing victory. A truly great victory. More like an annihilation, really. We had great crowds, I mean, spectacular crowds at every event. Enthusiastic. Great Americans. No one believed we could do it. It was a beautiful thing. Everyone was saying we didn’t have a chance. They totally underestimated the stupi … uh … the strength of my supporters.

The opinion polls. They were so wrong. So wrong. They completely ignored the millions of people who were too embarrassed to tell anyone they were going to vote for me. Can you imagine how horrified and embarrassed those people are today? The pollsters. The pollsters. They’re the ones who are horrified and embarrassed.

The press. They’re such cowards. Really bad people. Horrible liars. CNN. Nothing but fake news. Whatever I say, they always report it word for word. Sometimes they even use tape of me actually saying it. Can you believe that? So dishonest. All they do is spend their time taking my tweets and including them exactly as I wrote them in their own disrespectful, lying articles. So lazy. Very sad.

And what about that inauguration? We had the biggest crowd in the history of the world. There were so many people there. There were more people there than at all of the other inaugurations put together. It was a glorious celebration of America. Peyton Manning. Everyone said it was a great speech. The best speech ever given. I knocked it out of the park. Bigly. And the cheering? Wow!  It was so loud. No one in the crowd could think. They still can’t.

[Insert exaggerated, self-aggrandizing comment here related to an event which is completely irrelevant to the subject of this speech. Whatever it is, remember to say “failing New York Times”]

We’re gonna create jobs. Thousands and thousands of new jobs. All of the jobs will pay the people phenomenal money. They’re gonna be so happy and so rich. And each banana is gonna cost ten bucks and you won’t be able to get a car for less than a hundred grand. Prices will just be huge. And Mexico will pay for lunch every day. Believe me. They will.

There’ll be a tremendous wall. All around the country. It’s gonna be miles high. Not even planes will be able to get in. America will be safe again. It’s about time, folks. Canada has already started building their wall. They can’t get it built fast enough. We didn’t even need to tell them to build it. That shows you how much people respect America now.

[White House advisor: Whisper “Presidents’ Day” in the President’s ear]

Oh, yeah.

Obama did so many bad things. Really, really bad. Kenyan. Just a mess. Obamacare has been a catastrophe for this country. Millions of people were tricked into protecting the health of themselves and their families. So deceitful. We’re gonna repeal it and we’re gonna replace it with something that makes the insurance company executives and various members of my cabinet enormously wealthy. It’s gonna be so great for us … uh … and for the American people. They’ll just be astounded at what we did. They won’t believe it.

Johnson. Not a good man. And gay. He started the LBJ community in the 1960’s – and now every bathroom in America is full of the gay. His Voting Rights Act started massive, massive fraud in this country. Tens of millions of people voted illegally in the last election. A very well-informed source, I mean, someone really close to this stuff, told me that he knows – without a doubt, folks, believe me – that every single vote Hillary got was illegal. Illegal. No one voted for her. Not one single American. Only Mexicans and refugees voted for her. We’re gonna stop that folks. We’re gonna stop people voting.

Teddy Roosevelt. His New Deal was a disaster. Just a disaster. Huge failure. Caused World War Two. Or maybe that was his brother. Fred was it? Anyway, his brother wasn’t much better. Or his brother’s wife. She was only a four or a five – at most.

William McKinley. He got shot. You know, I prefer Presidents who didn’t get shot.

James Buchanan. Fillard Millmore. Grover Nor … Grover Cleveland

Washington. Overrated. He only got to be President because his name was Washington. I mean, how lucky was he? Just because he had the same name as the city! Founding fathers. No imagination.

Of course, there were a couple of Presidents named Bush. Jeb. He was a terrible candidate. Just awful in the debates. I crushed him. It was so easy. Painful to watch. He just looked stupid up there. No idea.

[Insert out of context insult of a random celebrity here. In the unlikely event that no one has said something bad about you in the last 24 hours, use Arnold Schwarzenegger]

I’m told Lincoln was a good President. But he better be careful. I’m going to be such a great President. Such an unbelievably great President that all the people will demand a statue of me at the end of the National Mall instead. Sorry Abe.

I tell you. None of the former Presidents spoke to foreign leaders like I speak to them. I’m tough, but it’s time to talk tough. They respect that, don’t they Steve.  I’m so tough with them, they just stammer on the other end of the phone. So they end up talking to me like I’m a five year old; like I know nothing about the world. You can just hear in their voices how scared they are that I’m President. I mean, they’re just terrified.

The next time I go to Europe, I’m gonna march up to the Australian Prime Minister’s house – I don’t care how high up in the mountains it is – and tell him we’re not gonna take any of his dumb illegal refugees.

Oh, and Kellyanne tells me next year we’re gonna call this day President’s Day, not Presidents’ Day. I don’t know what she means, but I trust her. Kellyanne knows her facts.

And don’t forget to mourn for the poor victims of the Bowling Green Massacre.

Anyway, thanks for coming. We’ve already made America grate again.

Believe me.

 

Nick Orchard
3rd February 2017